"Hey. Are you okay?"
After listening to Kimmi string out every detail on her date with Tom, she finally takes note of my unenthusiastic responses.
"I'm just... swamped Kimmi. Mind if I give you a call later?"
"What's wrong? Your parents
can't be that upset over your report card. You're still the number one candidate for Valedictorian..."
"Yeah.. maybe it's just my time of the month. I'm sorry, I'll talk to you later okay?"
I hung up. It wasn't my time of the month. It wasn't my parents. No; they only lightly remarked that I was close to perfect A's; I was much more disappointed than they were. I couldn't figure out why I felt so down. Why am I in such a bad mood?
I pick up a book, but couldn't process the words. After the third attempt to understand the text, I put on headphones. That's better. I drifted off to sleep.
Someone wraps their arm around my waist, and I turn, staring at his face. My lips move, and I take a step back. He says something in return, but I don't want to listen.
I wake up, confused. I try to recall my dream, but I only feel sadness.
"Hello? Sorry to bother you again. I need help with my homework."
"Kimmi--"
"All right, I didn't call to ask for help on homework. K, maybe I will later on, but I'm worried about you Andrea. I know something's bothering you. So. Tell."
"Nothing's wrong. Well, I don't know what's wrong. Just a combination of little things, I guess. Don't worry about it. I'll be better by the weekend. Wanna do something? Hit the mall?"
"All right, missy. But promise you'll be better. You know what, I'll make sure it's better. Gotta start on the dratted history now, I'll see you tomorrow. Ciao~"
I could hear her smirk over the phone.
-------------------------------------------
Hey Josh. I think it'd be easier for us to understand each other if we included our intentions for what we wrote.
It'd also be like a self analysis to check ourselves on what we write (ask 'do we really need this?' 'what will this action do?' 'what imagery will this word give the reader?').
And yeah, I need help in making what I write flow better
a lot. So, keep an eye for me, k? Thanks.
~ Kimmi likes talking about herself a lot, but she cares about her friends too. Unfortunately for Andrea, she's also boy crazy. She takes action in what she does. She's active, likes to gossip, kinda like the high school preppy girl.
~ Andrea doesn't really know what's wrong herself. She seems to be a bit depressed (which many people can relate to). But she tries to hide it from her friend. Maybe she really thinks she will get better.
~ This dream is ominous of the date Kimmi is setting her up for on Saturday. Kimmi has good intentions, and she really thinks Chris will make Andrea feel better (remember, she's boy-crazy). Too bad Chris is gonna be a stupid jerk.
Comments (2)
- After listening to Kimmi string out every detail on her date with Tom, she finally takes note of my unenthusiastic responses. - (spelling)
- I pick up a book, but can't process the words. After three failed attempts to understand the text, I put on headphones instead. Much better. I barely close my eyes before sleep envelopes me. -(you had pick up book then couldn't process, present to past... then i didn't really like "that's better", i feel like it's a little forced. same for the sentence after that.)
- A dark figure grabs me from behind and pulls my body to his. I can feel his wet breathe on my neck and back as he breaths heavily. Trying to turn around, I can only make out his dark silhouette. My lips start to tremble as he starts to kiss my ear; I'm helpless. His grip is too strong for me and I can't get away. -(i didn't really get what your dream was about. but i think it's supposed to be chris, right? umm, i like this edit. it's dark, and it ends abruptly, so the reader doesn't know what's going to happen. andrea's helpless in the dream, but in the actual scene, hopefully it ends well for her. perhaps a deus ex machina ending for the actual scene would be nice... maybe with midas proj or j-core coming in last second? btw, question: is it supposed to be date-rape (or almost date-rape)? cuz that's the impression that i got from talking to you (but if it was, ur entry wasn't suggestive enough at all =P)
-"All right, the weekend it is, missy. And don't worry, It'll be fun, I'll make sure of it." I could hear a slight giggle on the other end. Uh oh, she's probably going to plan something crazy again.
" Well, that history essay is calling so I'll see you tomorrow, k? k. Love you. Ciao~"
click.
I bet she' still smirking, that girl. -
i really liked the dialogue idea, it's probably the most extended dialogue we have so far (we need to work on that a little, i think. and this is a great start). I modified it a little, so to make kimmie sound a little more intelligent. i think you portray her a little idiotic to tell you the truth. but, i really like how you're setting up the stage. it'll work out well, i think.
so those are my basic edits. if you like them, i'll repost the whole thing.
oh, i forgot one-
-I wake up, confused. I try to recall my dream, but I only feel sadness.-
-I wake to the sound of my own screams. Soaked in cold sweat, I desperately try to remember his face, but it just doesn't come to me. Confusion and despair flood into my being as I feel like my whole world is spinning out of my control.-
(it might be good to expand even a little bit more here, because even waking up can be a fore-shadowing of another problem- andrea's gradual loss of confidence in her will as well as her control over the circumstances in her life)
yea, i love this whole idea. it's getting to me. =D